MODERNSHAME

has our relationship progressed to xs and os

having odd flirtations over email at work with famous, married writers whose work you’re editing … great idea, right?
no city, no state
—-
him:
why is YYYY listed as the author before me on my last column?
xox
XXXX

me:
not sure. i didn’t post. we can change. i’m sure it was just a mistake.
has our relationship progressed to xs and os?

him:
you don’t think?

me:
My mother always warned me not to be too affectionate with men I’ve only met on the Internet. But your columns have been particularly good lately, so i suppose I can make an exception.

him:
Got a photo?

the end. now leave.

los angeles, california
—-
i chose to end this relationship in january. i have trust issues, i can’t stop imagining you with another girl, etc. aside from many other reasons that we just don’t get along when we’re not in the same place - i’m jealous of your lifestyle, job, social life, etc. I have my own infidelity/self esteem problems. I enjoy the attention of other men and have very little will power to keep myself from falling for any guy who seems even partially interested. For all these reasons, I chose that this was not what I wanted in my life at that point.

In February you came back, very loving, very romantic, very persistant and amazing and I fell into that. I thought it was exactly what I wanted and I knew how completely and passionately I could fall back in love with you and I asked you to promise me no more pain. Maybe it’s the passion, or the low self esteem, or whatever, but a week ago I made a mistake (a mistake I’ve made MANY times - maybe it’s not a mistake, maybe it’s a perminant flaw) and I got jealous and stupid and you realized that you didnt’ want to be apart of it and you left. for a full week. you didn’t talk to me. there was no, “let’s work on this” no, “i’m upset, give me time to think this out”. You just left. And I was hurt. And I don’t want that. Sure, I take FULL blame - it was my fault to begin with - everything is. I don’t care. I accept all of it. But no matter what it is, this relationship is NOT healthy. For either of us. I don’t ever want to cry because of you ever again.
No matter whose fault it is.

The end.

Now leave.

we do what we have to do

los angeles, california
—-
i fucked up tonight. again. i know.

i wish i could explain my jealousy. my self doubt. my insecurity. I take advantage of the idea that you understand and can sympathize with me, but i fear i’m reaching the end of your rope on that compassion. beside my self-assurance that you spend your days thinking of ways to cheat on me, i waste time and energy thinking of ways i can be even with this “you” i envision.

i expect you to leave me.

i still love you.

we do what we have to do.

a versatile and talented writer

i applied for a copywriting job that involved writing commercials and radio spots. the ad said to be creative and stand out, and at 3a, i chose to do so in the most mediocre way possible. i imagine that this is posted in hr at XXXX communications as the worst cover letter ever received. in the morning, when i realized what i’d done, i decided that i would ignore any request for an interview; obviously it would just be to mock me. there wasn’t one.
portland, oregon

—-
INT: XXXX’S BEDROOM
XXXX sits cross-legged on her bed, typing on a laptop.

XXXX (v.o.)
I’m XXXX, and I’m a versatile and talented writer with experience in factual copy, journalism, and creative writing.

INT: XXXX OFFICE
XXXX is sitting in a cubicle, typing away on the same laptop.

XXXX (v.o)
In my current position with XXXX Websites, I infuse all of the company’s marketing materials with XXXX’s distinct voice.

EXT: AMUSMENT PARK
XXXX is sitting on a bench, typing on her laptop, surrounded by smiling happy FAMILIES.

XXXX (v.o.)
When working on our client websites, I adjust my writing style for each client’s need and intended audience. I will create website copy for a vacation house near Disney World that will evoke the magical memories to be made on a family vacation …

INT: SKI LODGE
XXXX is typing on her laptop next to a crackling fire, she is surrounded by SKIERS and REVELERS. Large windows reveal snow-covered slopes. She is oblivious to the skiers, and they are oblivious to her.

XXXX (v.o)
Or craft more sophisticated copy to describe a luxurious Aspen condo that caters to affluent sports enthusiasts …

INT: CONFERENCE ROOM
A BUSINESS WOMAN is giving a presentation to a table full of PEOPLE. XXXX sits at the table near the woman, typing on her laptop.

XXXX (v.o.)
As a research assistant at XXXX, a consumer branding and research company, I distilled our research findings and conclusions into reports that were utilized by client company executives and ad agencies …


INT: XXXX’S APARTMENT
XXXX is sitting at a desk, typing on her computer and referencing a stack of papers.

XXXX (v.o.)
And as a freelance writer, I have written articles and essays for a variety of audiences …

INT: CITY COUNCIL MEETING
XXXX is sitting in the audience at the meeting on her laptop, surrounded by smart-looking COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS

XXXX (v.o.)
Educated liberal thinkers for XXXX …

INT: WHOLE FOODS
XXXX is sitting in the café area of this posh grocery store surrounded by affluent Santa Monica SOCIALITES and BUSINESS TYPES

XXXX (v.o.)
Affluent environmentalists for XXXX Magazine …

INT: UNIVERSITY LIBRARY
XXXX is sharing a table with bunches of HIP COLLEGE STUDENTS. They are all typing on laptops

XXXX (v.o.)
And irreverent college students for the XXXX Weekly.

INT: XXXX’S ROOM
XXXX is sitting cross-legged on her bed, typing on her laptop. She looks up.

XXXX (to camera)
With my variety of writing experiences and my ability to adapt to new situations and challenges, I will make a valuable addition to the XXXX Communications team.


FADE TO BLACK

THE END

an email was obvi coming

i made out with an almost-friend. it was awkward. but not one to give up, i wrote this email, hoping to accomplish … what? this was during the days when i thought saying i was crazy was a free pass for doing crazy things, like sending bad emo emails. false.
san diego, california
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word. so an email was obvi coming. i was going to try to play it cool and not write you one for some time but that would have been disingenuous and really what would have been the point. the only reason to try to manipulate one’s own instincts and natural behaviors is to try to create some false version of yourself to market to another, and i think we’ve established there’s no point in that, esp since my shoddily crafted version of me that i’ve presented thus far is apparently maybe even more unappealing than the real deal?

so: email for you. i would have said “crazy email” except i’m going to experiment with not calling myself crazy for awhile and see how things go. i think i’ve been using it as a scapegoat of sorts, an excuse for acting in a manner i deem socially unacceptable ( i.e., being genuine, not manipulating instincts and natural behaviors, etc.). this logic (illogic?) is all very circular. i think new approach is: no approach. or, maybe to stop trying to editorialize myself. or something.

how was your appt? i have an appt on thursday with an md. he’s young and blond and i don’t think will take any bullshit, which is good. i think therapy is cool and i like to talk about it. it’s such a bizarre dynamic, and super interesting. but if that’s like your special secret time and you want me to buttt the eff out, i understand. i mean not really, but i respect it.

i bought a hat this wkend and i’m wearing it now and it’s awesome. i feel like i’m hiding behind it a little bit, but less in the way that ray lamontagne was trying to hide behind his hair and more like, i’m shielding myself from other people for their own protection, bc i’m feeling sort of feisty and don’t want to belittle bitches with my words, step away and all will be fine. or something. i went to the grocery store a bit ago to get food for the office and felt sort of badass. i’m not sure why i said you were acting like you were scared of me this a.m.; mostly i think i was scared of you. life is funny, and so are people. i have no more insights at this time.

ps i feel like i was sort of critical of you for not reading xxx’s letter? didn’t intend to be. just in a small state of not understanding. i devour things people write and say trying to get insights into who they are—couldn’t imagine sitting on a potentially bombastic letter. share. hm i just looked up bombastic and it doesn’t work in this context, really, but for some reason i just really feel like it should, so i’m going to leave it.

i don't know if we're really friends

a boy and i stopped seeing each other due to mostly mutual non-attraction. i wanted to be friends, badly i’d say, by the earnestness of this email. shudder, shudder. part of me wants to write him an email saying, uh, remember me, sorry i was sort of a nut, but …. no.
san diego, california
—-
mornin xxxx,
kajsdkfljskdljjsladkjflaskjdfkl blahhhhhhhhhhhh.
i was going to craft and compose an email teeming with articulate and well-thought out thoughts, but, i’ve changed my mind. i will say this. last night xxxx had her baby and i was there with her and watched her baby get born and it was at once very cool and very gross and i wanted to talk to you about it but i had a feeling that that was somehow not within the parameters of our relationship, me calling you in the middle of the night to talk about life, and basically i don’t know if we’re really friends. part of me wants to talk to you and figure this out and part of me wants to do anything but that, and just let what happens happen, even if that means we speak with ever decreasing frequency until contact teeters out altogether, as seems depressingly inevitable.

i’m not sure how you’re supposed to respond to that.

might be contingent on that small detail

retrospectively, two weeks of ambiguous friend-dates might have been a little early for this onslaught of affection …
san diego, california
—-
xxxx,
hi. im wearing your tshirt and your deodorant. i smell like you. it’s nice. are you planning to be back in town for new years? i want to buy my tkt today and return date might be contingent on that small detail. telll meeee.
xxxx