MODERNSHAME

MODERNSHAME was created because misery loves company. it is a place for emails better left unsent, texts that should have stayed in the draft box, and other pieces of ourselves that we put out there too quickly because we can.

why share regretful correspondence? because we have all been there, and a collective cringe is so much better than a solitary one, alone behind your computer screen thinking unsend! take back! undo!

you can't take it back, but you can put it here.

SUBMISSIONS will be posted anonymously. this is a site for shedding dirt, not getting it. no names will ever be posted.

we want authentic, but not damning. we will XXXX-out any identifying details contained in your emails if you don't black them out yourself.

include a brief explanation of the email, your city and state, and consider yourself absolved.

modernshame@gmail.com
Mon May 5

an email was obvi coming

i made out with an almost-friend. it was awkward. but not one to give up, i wrote this email, hoping to accomplish … what? this was during the days when i thought saying i was crazy was a free pass for doing crazy things, like sending bad emo emails. false.
san diego, california
—-
word. so an email was obvi coming. i was going to try to play it cool and not write you one for some time but that would have been disingenuous and really what would have been the point. the only reason to try to manipulate one’s own instincts and natural behaviors is to try to create some false version of yourself to market to another, and i think we’ve established there’s no point in that, esp since my shoddily crafted version of me that i’ve presented thus far is apparently maybe even more unappealing than the real deal?

so: email for you. i would have said “crazy email” except i’m going to experiment with not calling myself crazy for awhile and see how things go. i think i’ve been using it as a scapegoat of sorts, an excuse for acting in a manner i deem socially unacceptable ( i.e., being genuine, not manipulating instincts and natural behaviors, etc.). this logic (illogic?) is all very circular. i think new approach is: no approach. or, maybe to stop trying to editorialize myself. or something.

how was your appt? i have an appt on thursday with an md. he’s young and blond and i don’t think will take any bullshit, which is good. i think therapy is cool and i like to talk about it. it’s such a bizarre dynamic, and super interesting. but if that’s like your special secret time and you want me to buttt the eff out, i understand. i mean not really, but i respect it.

i bought a hat this wkend and i’m wearing it now and it’s awesome. i feel like i’m hiding behind it a little bit, but less in the way that ray lamontagne was trying to hide behind his hair and more like, i’m shielding myself from other people for their own protection, bc i’m feeling sort of feisty and don’t want to belittle bitches with my words, step away and all will be fine. or something. i went to the grocery store a bit ago to get food for the office and felt sort of badass. i’m not sure why i said you were acting like you were scared of me this a.m.; mostly i think i was scared of you. life is funny, and so are people. i have no more insights at this time.

ps i feel like i was sort of critical of you for not reading xxx’s letter? didn’t intend to be. just in a small state of not understanding. i devour things people write and say trying to get insights into who they are—couldn’t imagine sitting on a potentially bombastic letter. share. hm i just looked up bombastic and it doesn’t work in this context, really, but for some reason i just really feel like it should, so i’m going to leave it.